Part Four: Proper Care and Feeding of Your Religious Educator

It has been nearly a full year since I left my position as a religious educator. I think because I left quite publicly and with a loving leaving, over the past many months I've been the confidential confidant of more than half a dozen folks who were exploring leaving their positions as religious educators. A number of these fine folks were credentialed, long-term, dedicated folks who held leadership positions and loved, loved, loved what they did.

What happens? Why do we as a whole UU-beast have such a high rate of turn over for the folks who bring to life our ministry for children and youth? And what on earth can be done to change it?

Well--I don't really know. Maybe someone knows the whole answer and just selfishly sits on that answer, cackling with mirth because the rest of us are stumbling around trying to sort it all out. But my hunch is that it's a complicated answer.

I watched the VUU again today, and again felt like I was eavesdropping on a minster's meeting--this time about parenting and ministry. This balance of family (or self) and work is also very difficult for religious educators, and for me it was the reason I left. I don't regret it for a second--while I MISS the work, I am so desperately grateful I had this year of evenings and weekends to be present with my kids. TWO of them are moving away next year, making this year absolutely precious.

When compared with the challenges for ministers with families, religious educators have the added difficulty of two things: 1--doing work that has traditionally been "women's work" with the expectation of lower pay, more responsibilities and a smiling happy-to-have-the work expectation of attitude on the part of SOME congregations and 2--Very few congregations expect the minister to work every Sunday, but most expect the Religious Educator to do so. That's like turning the toaster oven on broil and walking away. Family time doesn't mix well into that burned up mess of pizza rolls and religious education.

I know there's a fuss about metrics and growth and mission and vision and leadership in the big picture UU stuff right now. I don't know what to do about that, either. But we could remember that these are people who do the work, and people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. And we could remember that our professional ministers are not the only leaders in the game--I tell you the secret, ugly truth--people will stay through mediocre sermons for great religious education for their kids, but they will not stay for great sermons if the programming for their children is sub-standard. (Again, not the situation at the church I worked for-I saw at least three standing ovations for sermons from that minister over the years.) There's more to look at here.

For the regular Jo in the regular church dealing not with huge metrics and consultants, but with the daily stuff of running a church, maybe for that Jo I do have a little advice. It's not all brand new, but it all still applies. Start here: Proper Care and Feeding of Your Religious Educator, then go here to Part 2 and then to Part 3. I should write one called "after the letter of resignation" because that's a tough one, too. But this is a place to start. Don't be one of the churches who says "gee, we thought everything was going well" it may very well be your religious educator that I've been chatting with since January. The resignation letter may be half composed in the computer.

Go see if you can make it better. Search committees are hard to fill, and good religious educators are hard to find. Pay a living wage, give time off, support professional development. And hey all you big-wigs, remember that ministers and metrics and end statements are not the only reason churches and institutions thrive or fail. Start with people, end with people and take care of the people in between. It's not the big answer, but it's a place to start.

Generation and Leadership--And how Boomers ruined the 80s

I just watched another round table video discussion between UU ministers and soon to be ministers on the VUU, and while I think the video gremlins finally caught up to the fine folks from the Church of the Larger Fellowship, I enjoyed the discussion.

The most important information, in my mind, came in a comment on the youtube comment stream from UU World editor, Chris Walton. There was a comment from Rev. Hank Pierce (from Hot Stove UU Media Megapersonality fame) about the ages of the UUA moderators. I think in response to that comment, Chris posted this:

Chris Walton

The last four UUA presidents were born in 1949, 1947, 1946, and 1946.

This is amazing. The last four UUA presidents were all baby boomers. I felt a heavy nagging when Laurel Hallman didn't win that we may never, ever have anything but male presidents. But the generational piece was not on my radar. I'm a Gen Xer who is very aware that I live in the shadow of the boomers. I feel like we come along and have to undo everything. I especially blame baby boomers for the entirety of the 80s: fashion, music and gross financial excessive exuberance. 

Not that there's blame to be had here. But maybe a slightly younger moderator would make a difference. You can never escape your birth order or your generation, they simply form who you are in many ways. 

Who knows, it's a complicated time and a complicated system. And, even for Joe girl-in-the-pew, interesting.  

Evolution and Coffee Hour

I believe in evolution, not just the apes to man, Galapagos Island variety, but the personal mind-body-spirit kind, too. And I think I just noticed a giant leap in my own mind-body-spirit evolution.

For a few years I worked in the trenches of my faith, and I loved it. I loved knowing who was who and hearing about what was going on and understanding the scuttle about why or why not this or that was doing something or other.

But no more. As I turn on the curve of my year away from church after leaving the job and really begin to think of myself as the middle aged woman in the back pew wearing jeans and a t-shirt and sneaking out early to be ready to serve the coffee, I realize that I've changed. I'm no longer church staff, no longer an insider and I really no longer care about the intricacies of the settlement process of ministers or the debate between the efficacy of one seminary or the other.

Today I watched a very cool thing, technologically. It was a panel discussion live on YouTube hosted by some great, caring people who run a non-bricks and mortar church. The panelists were passionate and very knowledgeable--all ministers with one seminarian, I believe. They seemed to have closely held beliefs and opinions about how ministers get to churches, and what the ins and outs of that are. There was a time when I'd have been very interested, but no more. It was great for lots of people, but I'm just not there anymore.

I want to see my friends and be a part of a community who cares about one another and does a little good on the planet. That's enough. No, actually that's huge! I'm sure there was a time when I would have considered that to be downright heresy. Faith is about grand, lofty goals! Transformation! Transcendence!

Sure. That's fine, if that's what you're into.

Not me. I think I've evolved. And this is just where I'm supposed to be.

Amen.

(Update-- 4/12/13)
I had no intention of disparaging the new VUU show from the Church of the Larger Fellowship. I think the show format is a fabulous concept with great technology that was in all likelihood for many members of CLF was just exactly what they needed and wanted to see. This blog post was intended to be a personal reflection on my own experience of transition out of church work. I don't think my church (CLF) could or should provide programming that only interests me. We are a vast and varied community with many vast and varied interests. I wish Rev. Meg and Rev. Joanna all the best of luck for a successful run, and hope that my musings will not be taken as a negative review of the show.

So the Love can Grow

I worked for a wonderful little church for seven years. Well, it wasn't so little after a while, but still, you could at least know just about everyone at least a little bit. When I left, I promised to stay completely away for a full year to give the new staff member space. In my mind it was the most supportive thing I could do--just get the heck out of the way, I worked with children and youth programs and I knew the families needed to turn to the new person when times were tough or life sat down hard on their family.  Advice was different from different corners; my professional guidelines don't explicitly say you have to leave-- just stay out of leadership for two years, other friends in the biz said stay away for three years. Someone heard six months was enough. I thought a year would be enough but we could reassess at about the year mark to see if more time away was needed.

But who knew life would do this? That my dad would get sick? That church members who feel like family to us would die? That I'd want nothing more than to sit in a pew and sing the hymns I've been singing since childhood and just be.

I should have found another church. But it's not that easy. I can't usually just slip in the back and sit down, I know people at all the local churches in my denomination. Maybe I could go to another faith, I drove by a Quaker meeting house the other day and while that's a good fit for me theologically, they wouldn't have the rituals that I find so comforting. I regularly attend an online service from the Church of the Larger Fellowship, and it offers a great alternative to a bricks and mortar church.

But I'm a person who loves the smell of a church kitchen. And I love that watery coffee that only perks in those huge urns. And stale cookies. I love the cookies that no one at home was going to eat, so someone brought them to church for coffee hour. And yes, I'm totally serious. I feel the spirit move in the service and with the music and the moments of complete silence except for baby noise, but the place where I feel the spirit the strongest is over a steaming sink full of dirty dishes. It's the real connections with real people.  This is part of the reason I couldn't work for a church any longer, as much as I loved making church happen for other folks, I missed having it happen for me.

There's nothing to be done. I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. I knew what I was getting into when I left. It's just sad.

Part of living a life of gratitude and happiness is honoring the sadness. It's what makes the soil of the soul rich so that the love can grow.

Cross posted to The Natural Happy Store

No Fahs Lecture at GA?!

When I was a brand new Religious Educator, I think it was something like 10 days into the job, I was lucky enough to attend the General Assembly of Unitarian Universalist Congregations in Fort Worth, Texas. I could swear to you that some guiding hand was leading me around there, although I don't believe in any sort of spirit like that, really. Well, maybe kind of. Because everyone I sat next to happened to be a Religious Educator. No kidding. Each of those kind souls carefully looked over my curriculum plan for the year with me, and they gently gave me advice and information. The now Rev. Jeff Liebmann finally made fun of me for being a "curriculum geek" and spending every free moment at the UUCARDS booth in the exhibit hall.

It was wonderful.

I'll admit that I didn't know which sessions I was attending half the time, I kind of picked one and went to it. But as the years progressed and I continued to attend GA, I learned that it was vital to my professional development and my personal education to always attend the sessions sponsored by my professional organization, the Liberal Religious Educators Association. The most important session was always the Sophia Lyon Fahs Lecture. It was a piece of our history as Religious Educators, and it always, always came home to the congregation I served. When Bill Doherty spoke on home grown religion, we became the first congregation west of the Mississippi to test his Sources Supper. When Dr. Mark Hicks spoke about Religious Education for People of Color I added an entire component about race to our teacher training and continuing ed modules. This was real support for enriching the work I was doing.

When I left the work of religious education I continued to pay dues to LREDA because I strongly believe in the work of the organization. So this morning when I got an email from LREDA I didn't think much of it, we're always getting updates, good information and newsletters. But this news was most unwelcome and unexpected. Of course I no longer serve on the LREDA board so all I know is what I read:

"Dear colleagues,
It is with heavy hearts that we inform you that neither the Sophia Lyon Fahs Lecture nor the LREDA-sponsored workshop were selected by the General Assembly Program Development Group for inclusion in this year’s General Assembly in Louisville, Kentucky."

WHAT? The Fahs Lecture has a history dating back to 1974. It's one of the most effective outreach events for topics that LREDA feels it is important to get into the discourse of informed and active Unitarian Universalists. And it didn't make the cut? I am certain that the other LREDA-sponsored workshop would be equally as important to the depth of learning at GA.  

I'm furious. I have no idea what happened, but I feel quite strongly that it needs to be remedied immediately. I call on the General Assembly Program Development Group to find a way to bring the Fahs lecture to the people who need it, and remember to book a large room--it is often attended by hundreds of GA attendees. 

And please, someone tell me what on earth happened to allow the Fahs lecture, at least, to be left out of the schedule of workshops. I'm listening, or trying to around my anger and disappointment. 

What About the Children? Helping kids when something awful has happened.

In the years I worked as a religious educator, I was sometimes called on to help guide families through traumatic times. There is no easy way to approach how to help children in times of trauma, and there’s not one answer. It’s all hard. This is a time to be gentle with ourselves and with each other.

But there are ways to help, that can make a difference. I’ll share a few, but I’d love to hear what you know, too.

Realize that children are much more aware of what is happening around you than you may think. Some children have a magic radar and will squint at you, tilt their head to the side and say “why are you sad?” Avoiding the topic isn’t a good idea, that teaches children that things that upset us are meant to be ignored, covered up and not let out for open discussion.

This doesn’t mean we should plant ourselves in front of the images of tragedy on television or the internet, or even to listen to blanket coverage on the radio. Give your home and car some peace and quiet. Or some music. Then, approach the tragedy in an age appropriate way, knowing that you are the expert on your own child and if you tune into the love and care you have for your child first, you’re likely to do just fine. A little prayer always helps.

Little ones want to hear “we love you and we’ll keep you safe” teens may want to talk about action that they can take to make things better. Middle aged kids, ages 7-10, probably want to know some facts and hear that in all likelihood that they’ll be safe. But of course some kids are anxious kids who will need more reassurances. Some kids need information and will want to know how the tragedy happened, what they should do if it happens to them, how likely it is that this will happen in their school or neighborhood. Don’t wait for your child to ask, but do try to follow their lead in how to deal with the information and support. Be honest. Be gentle. Lead with love.

A couple of things to remember:

• keep yourself calm
• do normal things; cook, go to the park, sit at the table and eat graham crackers or play checkers
• find a way to do something to help; write a card, donate a little money
• if you have a religious practice, use it, in times of crisis for my family we sometimes light a chalice, a symbol of our faith

For more real hands-on helping information, I always turn to Mister Rogers. There’s a great resource here.

But for me the most important thing for us all to remember is to take Mister Rogers advice and to look for the helpers. I heard a report that after the shooting today, children were taken into the homes of neighbors while they sorted out how to get them all safe. There are always heroes and helpers, regular old people who step up to take care of each other. I try to live my life with this right on the top of my mind all the time, but it’s important to share it with our young ones during scary times. Look for the helpers, if we pay more attention to the helpers than the bad guys, then we’re likely to keep our chin pointed in the right direction–toward love. The truth is we can’t keep our kids safe every minute, but we can’t lock them in the house. We have to try to trust that other loving and caring people will help us keep our kids safe.

At the high school that two of my sons attend, two young women have been killed in the last three years. They were both killed by ex-boyfriends, one around the corner from school as the students were headed in for classes. There is nothing that makes it all better, but they found that being with friends helped. Candle-light vigils helped, but for my oldest son who had had classes with the girl, what really helped was to stay after the vigil, to clean up. To collect the things people left behind to give to the parents of the girl who died. He’s become one of the helpers.

Take care and don’t rush things today. Call someone and tell them how much you love them. Thank the grocery clerk with a big smile. Send out love through every cell of your being. Be a helper.

I’m going to wrap some Christmas presents. Bake some cookies. Put out new suet for the birds. And clean, cleaning always helps me put the world in order.

Prayers for peace and love, to all. Amen.

(cross posted on the new blog, The Natural Happy Store)

News---And doin' the mom shuffle

So I was doin' the mom shuffle today, you know, driving a kid from here to there on their way to the other place, and my son said "Did you invite all your chalice spark friends to GNOWUS?"

And I sat there at the stop sign, in the rain, banging my head on the steering wheel.

"No."

"Duh!" he said.

Wisdom from the 16-year-old.

So you are cordially invited to visit the new partner blog I have with my friend Jennifer. It's called:

Girl's Night Out With Us

and while we really do have a real monthly outing, with us, we also are launching a cyber book club and movie club. And the first one is tonight, from 4:30-7:30 PST--yeah, that's in about 10 minutes.

There will be nothing Unitarian Universalist about it at all, except that both of us are or have attended a UU congregation. But come anyway. And if you've read the book or watched the movie, all the better! There's even free stuff for people who comment. Who doesn't love free stuff?

And the reference to "Girl?" yeah, it's all tongue in cheek, all genders welcome. Bending good. Safe for all here.

Tonight's movie: Wanderlust. Go here: http://gnowus.com/?p=219

Book: 50 Shades of Grey. Go here: http://gnowus.com/?p=221

And if you want to hear more we'd love to have you. Come subscribe, we're still under construction, but are on our way to a fun, lively blog. I am excited to blog again on a regular basis, and would love to have you all there, too.

gnowus.com

xoxo

Kari