What About the Children? Helping kids when something awful has happened.

In the years I worked as a religious educator, I was sometimes called on to help guide families through traumatic times. There is no easy way to approach how to help children in times of trauma, and there’s not one answer. It’s all hard. This is a time to be gentle with ourselves and with each other.

But there are ways to help, that can make a difference. I’ll share a few, but I’d love to hear what you know, too.

Realize that children are much more aware of what is happening around you than you may think. Some children have a magic radar and will squint at you, tilt their head to the side and say “why are you sad?” Avoiding the topic isn’t a good idea, that teaches children that things that upset us are meant to be ignored, covered up and not let out for open discussion.

This doesn’t mean we should plant ourselves in front of the images of tragedy on television or the internet, or even to listen to blanket coverage on the radio. Give your home and car some peace and quiet. Or some music. Then, approach the tragedy in an age appropriate way, knowing that you are the expert on your own child and if you tune into the love and care you have for your child first, you’re likely to do just fine. A little prayer always helps.

Little ones want to hear “we love you and we’ll keep you safe” teens may want to talk about action that they can take to make things better. Middle aged kids, ages 7-10, probably want to know some facts and hear that in all likelihood that they’ll be safe. But of course some kids are anxious kids who will need more reassurances. Some kids need information and will want to know how the tragedy happened, what they should do if it happens to them, how likely it is that this will happen in their school or neighborhood. Don’t wait for your child to ask, but do try to follow their lead in how to deal with the information and support. Be honest. Be gentle. Lead with love.

A couple of things to remember:

• keep yourself calm
• do normal things; cook, go to the park, sit at the table and eat graham crackers or play checkers
• find a way to do something to help; write a card, donate a little money
• if you have a religious practice, use it, in times of crisis for my family we sometimes light a chalice, a symbol of our faith

For more real hands-on helping information, I always turn to Mister Rogers. There’s a great resource here.

But for me the most important thing for us all to remember is to take Mister Rogers advice and to look for the helpers. I heard a report that after the shooting today, children were taken into the homes of neighbors while they sorted out how to get them all safe. There are always heroes and helpers, regular old people who step up to take care of each other. I try to live my life with this right on the top of my mind all the time, but it’s important to share it with our young ones during scary times. Look for the helpers, if we pay more attention to the helpers than the bad guys, then we’re likely to keep our chin pointed in the right direction–toward love. The truth is we can’t keep our kids safe every minute, but we can’t lock them in the house. We have to try to trust that other loving and caring people will help us keep our kids safe.

At the high school that two of my sons attend, two young women have been killed in the last three years. They were both killed by ex-boyfriends, one around the corner from school as the students were headed in for classes. There is nothing that makes it all better, but they found that being with friends helped. Candle-light vigils helped, but for my oldest son who had had classes with the girl, what really helped was to stay after the vigil, to clean up. To collect the things people left behind to give to the parents of the girl who died. He’s become one of the helpers.

Take care and don’t rush things today. Call someone and tell them how much you love them. Thank the grocery clerk with a big smile. Send out love through every cell of your being. Be a helper.

I’m going to wrap some Christmas presents. Bake some cookies. Put out new suet for the birds. And clean, cleaning always helps me put the world in order.

Prayers for peace and love, to all. Amen.

(cross posted on the new blog, The Natural Happy Store)

On Parenting: Avoid Becoming a Garbage House

 A good friend posted something on facebook today about sitting in front of the TV with kids and how it might not be the typical thing they do, but today might just be the day for it. It reminded me of a lovely neighbor, she used to tell me that letting your kids watch TV was better than beating them! It always made me laugh. I also wrote about her here: 

One of the things that seems to get lost in the whirlwind of family life in our busy generation is the old fashioned idea of chores. We go from school to soccer to choir to the grocery store and then have to stop for new soccer socks and the presentation board for the science project. And there sits the laundry. And the dishes, and forget the dusting, and the vacuuming. Those are just not happening.

Well, there are some families with one or two clean freak types who always have a neat home with orderly shoes lined up in an actual closet by the front door and neatly arranged towels in the powder room. And there are people who have finally figured out how to budget things just right so that they have help cleaning every week or twice a month. I have a friend who splits her time between being my kind of family, one of the less-neat types and a clean freak. She says that the dishes all have to be done twice a month, before Merry Maids come.

I love that.

We’ve come a long way since the early messy family days. When our oldest was a toddler we lived in a townhouse apartment. Our little balcony butted right up to our neighbor’s balcony. A nice family moved in a few months after we did. The mom was another stay-at-home mom, so we got to know each other. It was the kind of neighbor that you really could say “There’s a mouse in my kitchen, can I bring the baby over so I can catch it!” and of course, you could. Of course.

Well, this friendship got to be pretty close, so much so that she got to see my apartment as it actually looked. You know, piles and crumbs and laundry and just messiness. One day, she pulled up her britches and said “do you want me to teach you how to clean your house?” I already adored her, so I wasn’t upset, just grateful! She admitted to being a recovering messy person, and told me how you had to just start in one corner and go back to that same corner, and just keep going. Get three bags, one for garbage, one for putting away later and one for giving away and fill ‘em up.

Oh I was thankful. In a few months, I was a confirmed clean freak. I’ve swung from messier to neater over the years but never gotten that far again.

As my kids grew and their messes grew, I realized they could do more that just get up from the table after dinner, say “thanks mom” and go off to play legos. Hey, if you can create a huge lego monster with integrated legs and wings, then you can sure as heck unload the dishwasher.

But it took my going to work full-time to really get things moving.

For years my husband had worked for an airline, and we’d been able to fly for free. When we moved to Seattle, it was for a job that didn’t have flight benefits. We booked one flight that we had to pay for, and that was it. It was expensive to fly! Spoiled rotten, that’s what we’d been, but still, we wanted our flight benefits.

When jobs opened up in the Seattle reservation office of an airline, I applied. Yes, I’d have to work full time swing shift and homeschool three kids, yes I’d have to pass a month long class that was harder than any college course I’d ever had, yes I’d have to survive monitored calls and a four month probation with no absences. But so what? We needed to fly for free.

The trick was, working this much, I wasn’t able to do anything else. Anything. No shopping, no laundry, no cleaning, no errands. I could manage none of it. But my husband is craftier than I am. And he’s an engineer. He wasn’t going to work full time and take on all of that, either. So, he taught the kids how to do things, real things.

Each child was assigned a portion of the dishwasher that was theirs to unload, it was height based then, dependent on which shelves you could reach to put things away. And he showed them how to load the dishwasher carefully so you didn’t drip a big gooey line of dirty water onto the floor. I probably should remember to ask him to show me how to do that, someday.

They learned how to wipe down the kitchen table and catch the crumbs in their palm. He even instituted a “first pass” and a “second pass” for washing up the table, so anything missed the first time would be caught the second. Everyone learned how to pack up the leftovers from dinner and even how to make a lunch for yourself for the next day out of the left-overs.

The children learned how to pull all the kitchen chairs into the family room so the kitchen floor could be swept well, and there was an on going battle over just who’s turn it was to sweep, which was deemed the worst job of all.

Laundry became a big, boy-energy filled event. All the clean laundry was dumped on the master bed in a big huge pile. Each person manned one corner of the bed and then you threw a person’s clothes at them… well, you were supposed to throw it toward the corner they were manning. What seemed to happen based on the piles of laundry that I found behind the bed and well beyond the corners was that you whipped the laundry as hard as you could at the person it belonged to. But it worked, and all the boys learned how to fold their shirts and sort their socks and do the real work.

Still, a few years later now, the chores are a shared job in our family. Thankfully I don’t work full-time swing shift any longer, but there is still a lot to do. We’ve all got busy days and busy nights. But we don’t really have chores. There is no specific thing that each of us has that we each have to do. We have constant work that we all need to do, and for the most part with just a little bit of nagging and cajoling, it gets done.

It doesn’t seem to me that we get the same pushback here in our house that other families do. Sure, there is whining. And there are guilt trips, and general griping. But we seem to approach the work as a group. I guess it’s kind of like “hey this is something we have to do, it’s not fun, it’s not exciting, but when it’s over, well then we can get on with what we really want to do.”

The trick, I think, is to really think of your children as people. From day one know that they are full-on thinking, feeling, absolutely whole beings, and that of course no one on the planet wants to do the laundry. No one. It’s a bummer. But if we find some fun in the work, and remember that we’re lucky to be able to do it with these people that we love, well, then, it’s not so bad.

What we do now that all the boys are perfectly capable of each doing any house work that needs to be done is to put on a “family blitz”. We each take on a piece of the work, put on some loud music and we take on the job. Someone dusts all the wood, someone all the glass. Someone else vacuums, and someone else picks up all the house detritus before it gets sucked up. Someone moves furniture around and finally we have the big dash where we hide all the things that didn’t get properly put away in the closet.

The blitz clean is a group effort, we’re all pulling together, there is no yelling, except in a comical “Laurel and Hardy” kind of way, and we have a kind of clean house most of the time. The chores aren’t really chores. It’s just the stuff our family has to get done.

It’s been years since we lived by that kind neighbor who finally taught me how to clean my house, and we’ve come a long way. I try to invite friends over when things are not perfect so they will know that I really trust them, and when I book a church family to host a dinner or a class, I always ask them to have the house look at least a little lived in. Why not? It’s how things are for almost all of us a great deal of the time. And it makes the kids feel so much more at home if there’s a little clutter around and the toys are comfortably scattered through the house. And isn’t that what we’re all craving? That feeling of home? Yep, it is, it sure is. 

Tips for A Happy All-Ages Service

Tips for A Happy All-Ages Service:

Sit in the main seating area, close to the front, so your child(ren)
can see and don't have to turn in their chair.

Dress up a little, let children know that this is a very special
event! Tell them that you expect them to stay seated and enjoy the
service.

Bring money for children to contribute to the offering, maybe their
own money.

Have quiet toys or activities in reserve, but set the expectation that
the service will hold their attention. Good choices would be finger
knitting, a small doodle pad, or beeswax to mold.

Leave electronics at home. They simply don't belong in a worship
service.

Some children enjoy worship more when they are with peers, find your
child's classmates and sit together.

The RE Council members are on site to help. We'll have some quiet toys
available.

If your child is really having a hard time sitting quietly, don't
hesitate to step out for a drink of water or a breath of fresh air.

Learning to go to a Sunday morning church service is one of the most
important things our children and youth can learn.
Blessings to you all!

Top Ten True Things about Sick Kids

We've just survived a round of the plague here at the homestead. Well, it's still hanging on a bit. Today at yoga class I couldn't manage a "corpse" pose without a yucky cough. And all the men in my house sound a little like Darth Vader. We're almost done being sick.....at least I think we're almost done. Please baby Jesus let us be almost done. Thank you. Amen. Meanwhile....

Top Ten True Things about Sick Kids

10. When home sick from your homeschool school you can watch Mythbusters all day long and call it "science".

9. Little dogs think sick children are absolutely the best dog beds, ever.

8. Reading text books is far too taxing. Entire Calvin and Hobbes collections? Perfect!

7. Sick teenagers actually THANK you for taking care of them.

6. Jello? OH yeah!

5. A sick kid is totally captive for whatever agenda you have, like say....future educational plans. Or clean bedrooms.

4. Doing math homework on cold medicine? Yeah, not a good idea. Sorry Mrs. Smith, he'll re-do the assignment.

3. Sick children, even when really sick, are still way better at technology than parents.

2. Chicken soup makes you feel better. Vegetarian chicken soup works, too. Don't ask.

1. And the most true thing about sick kids? They can help you with your blog posts. Thanks, Ryan! I love you!

Spring Newsletter Article (it's a rant!)

RE Corner Spring 2010

Why?

Why do we come to church on Sunday mornings? Why do we bring our children to “Sunday School”? Why not just rest and relax on Sunday mornings? I mean, really, our children are busy all week long, they have campfire and scouts and soccer and music lessons and a million other things to occupy their days. And we adults who run them around all week long are tired! We’re exhausted! Church? It’s not really necessary. Our kids are probably getting all of this already, anyway. Let’s just go out for breakfast-go out of town-go visit friends. Let’s just NOT GO!

I understand the pressure of twenty-first century family life, I really do. I had three kids in five years! My partner and I are just now catching up on our sleep. If those crazy curfews for our teenagers would just let up we could count on a good 8 hours of sleep!

But I believe that we should all let something go to make room for church, yes for ourselves but especially if our lives involve children. Why?

Because going to church is necessary. There is no other place that your child will hear from a community as specifically and as powerfully: “We believe in people; every person every where all the time.” Or “Peace comes from justice, and this is how we create a just world….” Or “You matter, all the time, no matter what.”

At church your child will learn about values and ethics. We talk about who kids want to be when they grow up but we’re not talking about careers or education. We’re talking about who kids really want to become, and what it means. We talk about spirit and faith and hope. You do have to give up other things to have this church family. But it’s worth it, really it is.

I wish I could show you a magic picture of your family in 20 years. Belonging to a church in a way that is meaningful and real; doing good work for the church, staying late to clean up and coming early to set up and letting your child know what matters to you and showing them by doing it will make a difference in who they grow up to be. I promise. It will. Church helps us all get closer to who we are meant to be.

Blessings!

Kari Kopnick

Director of Religious Exploration

Westside Unitarian Universalist Congretation

End of an Era

For years and years and years and years part of our family routine has included sitting on canvas slung camp chairs or rickety bleachers or in later years big stadiums....just to sit and watch weekend soccer.

But as far as we know now, we've watched our final soccer game--at least with one of our offspring playing.

Our middle son was just about done playing soccer a couple of years ago. The others had only really ever dabbled in soccer. But our middle son loved soccer for years and years. Then it went bad. He even retired for a year. Youth soccer is just horrible. Do you have a child kicking a ball around? Take it away from the poor kid. Between the coaches and the governing boards who decide who get's a spot on an "A" team to the dirty play that happens on the field--it's horrible. I don't want anyone else to have to face what our kid has faced. Really. At age 10 you shouldn't have to come up against all the politics and mess of adult ego.

But our son is a great athlete. And he's a wonderful team player. And again and again he's taken himself from one team to another try-out and played his best. And he's ignored his coaches getting ejected from the game and the screaming of parents who think they should coach from the stands. We have always been proud to be his parents, even if we often sit far, far away from the other kids' parents.

Today was the state cup game and our son's team lost. And their coach was escorted from the field.....again. Lovely. Great way to teach young men how to grow-up to be fine young men. Bah.

But yesterday--ah, yesterday was fabulous! The semi-final game was against one of the teams our son used to play for. It was a little odd. We could see parents we knew from the road trips and games and team parties, but we'd look at the players and be stumped. It looked a little like those age progressions you see for missing kids. You could kind of tell which kid was which, but only kind of. They had been 11 year-old kids the last we'd seen them and suddenly they were young men! There were so many nice kids and parents on that team. We could see our son chatting with the boys on the field--very friendly little exchanges. And parents called to us from the stands as we walked past. "Hi! How's it going? Kid's are playing great! Good to see you! Good luck with the game!" It was a nice team.

But there was one family on this team who we'd played with years earlier but on a different team. The dad had been the coach. It was a fine team, but the next year....well, things didn't go well. And that man was very, very hard on my son. It was a really awful time. It was one of those times that you tell your kid "sorry honey, life's just not really fair" and "someday this will all seem less important". And I'm ashamed to say it, but when we got a Wii, we had a Mii of this coach, and I'd make my kids challenge him in boxing. Yeah, I was maybe just a little bitter. It was bad.

But yesterday: redemption. My son's team won. And he scored. And that same coach who had been the fodder for life lesson after life lesson for our kid stopped him to shake his hand. And our son shook his hand and said "thank you" to the gushing.

I am so proud of my son. So proud.

And you parents who are wondering....yes, stand up and help your kid do the right thing. Stand firm. Don't take any crap. It's worth the life lesson. It is. Really, it is.

New UU Parenting Blog!

There's a new blog on the block, one we've really needed for a long time. The blog is written by Michelle Richards, author of a new book about to be released "Tending the Flame: The Art of UU Parenting" and all time favorite in UU churches across the continent "Come Into the Circle".

I first met Michelle at the UUA General Assembly a few years ago. She was giving a workshop about leading worship with children. People kept asking for resources, and Michelle mentioned all kinds of good resources. Finally, I got up and said something like "OK, OK, all good stuff, but the very best resource is your book!"

Michelle is a humble and wise woman who has a great sense of the importance of faith in raising children. And she's my friend!

And oh my is this important stuff!

My children are mostly happy and usually healthy in great part due to my time in the pews and my contact with other parents who were like me. I remember one whole year of sitting in the same seat in church every Sunday, looking out a window, and crying during the hymns, crying during the sermon, crying from prelude to postlude because raising my young children felt like some kind of divine test that I was failing miserably. I knew that being spiritually present was the most important thing my children needed, and it was so so so so hard. I still cry when I hear the line "We laugh, we cry, we live, we die, we dance we sing our song" it takes me straight back to that sleepless time of giving. And that seat in my church.

Then there were the unschooling years with other homeschoolers at my church. Thank goodness for other people who were homeschooling and were like us.

And now I still find my people-in-parenting in church settings. I am usually the old parent around at the church I serve, with the oldest kids. But when I go to professional events, the talk always turns to family. Just last week a colleague told me "it'll be alright, your children will leave but you'll find a new normal" and she said they'll call asking how to boil water and that's when you know you've turned the corner.....they are not really calling to learn how to boil water, but to talk. To their mom.

Unitarian Universalist parenting is a gift, it means being mindful, intentional, it's hugely challenging and it's the best job ever. Ever!

Scared!

I was on a webinar today. Yes, webinar is a real word, it means you're online with a bunch of people and you're also on the phone and you can message and look at a power point or a website together. It's complicated, but a good way to meet with people in Rochester, and Pittsburgh and San Antonio and Boulder and Denver and Seattle and Boston without having to buy a single carbon offset.

So, I was at my desk looking out over my tiny itty bitty back yard and my hummingbird feeder that all the hummingbirds have snubbed so far, when I got a text message from my middle son. I was on my cell phone for the webinar, getting a text, while trying to follow some deep theological discussion about William Ellery Channing and his view of the divine.

Ahhh! Can you look at an incoming text message and stay on the call you're already on? The text was from my son, I was sure he was waiting for a ride, even though I thought we had this all arranged well in advance. Yep, "can u pic me up aftr 3?"

He's taller than me and stronger than me and certainly smarter than me, but I didn't want to leave him dangling.

The answer is yes, you can look at the text and not drop the call you're already on. In fact you can text back. I know 'cause I tried it. Yep.

It does not mean your child will read the text.

I'm getting used to my children having cell phones, and I'm getting used to the fact that they never, ever, even if they really should, never do they listen to their voice mail. Ever. But I didn't know until today that they don't read their text messages.

They don't.

My son showed up at the house-he'd clearly taken the bus home, I was still on the webinar. He turned to corner and saw me at my desk, he leaped into the air and hollered. Pretty obvious-- he hadn't expected me to be home. If he'd read is text messages.....well, anyway, it's fine, it's all good. Really.

This push-me, pull-you now you're a young adult, now you're a kid, grow-up, stay young. Come. Go. Stay. Fly.

This is going to give me whiplash.

He told me tonight that he's happy to take the bus more often if it is more convenient for me.

"Sure" I said. It's probably a half an hour to school and back with waiting and parking lot navigation time. "But I like picking you up, pretty soon you'll grow-up and move out and then I'll never get to pick you up from school again. It's forced time together, you have to talk to me."

He laughed. But it's true. And it's a treasure. And I don't really care if he forgets to read his text messages, as long as he still smiles when I pick him up.

Raising UU Kids

I'm still sick with the dreaded "Con-flu"--oh man, it's really awful! So just for fun I'm posting something I wrote a while back. Hope everyone out there is healthy and gearing up for a fabulous Halloween!

I serve a wonderful Unitarian Universalist congregation as a Religious Educators. Sometimes on a Sunday morning after the service, I’ll be standing with a few parents, drinking coffee. We watch as their children tear around the fellowship hall with chocolate donut crumbs covering their faces.

The parents shake their heads, cover their eyes and ask me, “How did you do it? How are your children so well behaved?”

I laugh out loud and say “Oh, really, they’re just pretending to be angels!”

And for heaven’s sake, they’re teenagers! They misbehave in completely different ways, now. But then I wipe the smile off my face and try to pass along a few of the things that I’ve finally picked up after all these years of making more mistakes than I ever dreamed were possible.

Step into this raising children stage of your life with both feet, and your whole heart.

Somehow you were called to be a parent and when you signed those adoption papers or you opened that door to your grandchild or you birthed that child; however it happened, there was a moment when you said “YES!” to that call.

Remind yourself that this is the biggest thing in your life right now. Bigger than work or school or busy life; yes, we have to do those things, too, of course. But raising kids is really the Big Top of the circus and sometimes we have to remember that.

So, put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, buy a ring with as many intertwined strands as you have children, put a medallion that says “love” in your wallet, whatever works for you, but make it a physical reminder that catches your eye. This helps keep it all in perspective. Oh, and you might want to wear some sturdy boots for that first step.

Claim your kingdom.

You are the grand supreme ruler of your family. Well, you and whatever partner in parenting you are lucky enough to have. Claim that. Yes, of course, you are a kind and benevolent ruler with only your beloved subjects’ best interests at heart. But don’t feel like you always have to get buy-in from your children.

Say “oh, I am so sorry that eating that whole bag of cookies I told you not to eat gave you a tummy ache” and make a sad face, and then pack that little cookie monster in the car and go to grandma’s house anyway. Don’t reason. Don’t argue.

This is why so many Unitarian Universalist children grow-up to be lawyers; we throw logic at them from toddlerhood. Yes, we do trust in the democratic process, and there is an important role for collaborative decision making in family life. This is not it.

You are the ruler, sometimes you really do know what is best and no, you don’t always have to explain it to your children, and even if you do explain it, you don’t have to reach consensus. Swoop in with your grand robes, offer gentle empathy, and then make your grown-up compassionate decision and move on.

Splash in the kitchen sink, clean to the “Bee Gees” and laugh out loud, a lot.

You have to have fun with parenting and family life. It’s hard. It can sometimes be harder than the LSAT and the Boston marathon on the same day. You want to scream and retch and roll on the floor because it’s ripping your intellect right out to watch PBS Kids for one more second.

But you don’t have to! Fill up the kitchen sink, do the “dishes” and splash around. Bake big huge pans of brownies. Dance. Even if you have teenagers. Look at your child with brownie batter in their hair and soap bubbles covering their whole torso, yes, the teenagers, too.

This works really well if you play music that would horrify your children as they grow into the teen years. That makes for so much fun it’s almost too much. “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive….ah, ah, ah, ah…..”

Look into those big happy eyes and the see the silly smile. How can you help but smile, too? And hey, you get a big pan of brownies in the deal.

Use the democratic process.

No, don’t use this in times of trauma or with an urgent dispute. But, if you are deciding which restaurant to go to after a big long day of yard work, or where to go on vacation, then yes. Create a family poll. Have someone present a power point about which computer they want the family to buy and then vote on whether it’s a good idea. If it’s something you are willing to really let go to the vote, then do it.

This is a great experience in life, and sometimes we all find out that what we dearly wished for was not all we’d hoped it would be. That is a powerful experience.

Say, “Oh wow, did I screw-up.”

When you mess up, and yell about things that mean nothing, or make a bad decision or otherwise are very human, then say so. Say, “I’m so sorry”. This is how our children learn to own their own screw-ups. They watch us when we make mistakes. They see, and calculate and then they say “hey, maybe that’s just how I should be. I should say I’m sorry”.

Sometimes the last thing we want is to say “Oh honey bear, I shouldn’t have said that.” Or even “I am so sorry I put all that crabbiness on you, sweet child”. But when we can, on those few sacred moments when we are bigger people and own what we did, we offer the best gift, no gift wrap needed. Say it; say “I’m sorry.” Someday, you might even hear it back.

Go outside.

Spend some time every day under the big sky and if you do it with your whole family, even better. Go for a walk around your block at dusk, walk in the rain, garden, pull weeds, play at the beach when it’s cold and no one else is there. Leave cell phones and other little electronic gremlins in your pocket or back home.

Just be together and notice the snails and leaves and clouds and bugs. Yes, even with your teenagers, even if you have to bribe them with ice cream or fish and chips, do it.

Eat meals together.

No, not every meal all the time, but some of them some of the time. Everyone in the family needs to eat, so why not together? Setting the table and cooking together make the time even more special. Light candles, play good jazz, dim the lights. When you do, even eating beans and rice becomes elegant.

And don’t drill children about homework or cleaning rooms over meals. Treat these dinner companions as if they’re treasured guests. They are, of course. Before you know it they’re grown and off at their own tables.

Give your children real work to do.

Clean the house, dust, mop, make food, clean-up a river bed, give them real chores. Do real things in the real world and count on them to do their part. Yes they will complain, yes they will whine, it’s just noise, ignore it.

Our children get so used to having things done for them that they don’t always learn that the two things dangling from their arms are hands and that they can really help. If you go to the local teen center that serves meals before sending the teens out on the streets for the evening, your child will understand their profound ability to work, and just how important making bean burritos and sweeping up really can be.

Love your kids. I mean really, actively, deliberately; love them.

It’s not always easy. We’re tired; we have grown up problems that overwhelm us. But this one can’t wait. Do things that let your child know you love them. Tell them; say “I love you! I am so glad that you are my child! The day you came into my life was one of the very best days, ever!” Make their favorite food; snuggle.

Be certain that your child knows that you love them with every single cell in your body. No not just love them. Love. It is a part of every breath you take and every single thing you will ever do. You can give in to this. It’s not a psychosis. It’s a state of being and it’s called parenting. Give in. You’ll never regret it.

Go to Church. Just go.

Go as often as you can. Go every week. An intentional religious community has a deep influence on the development of a child and a family. It’s more important than soccer or sleep-overs and it’s worth taking a stand.

When you go week after week you create a history, a tradition. Children need that. At church there are elders and peers, there are people who care about you and your children in particular and there are people who will bring you soup if your dog dies. There is no other way to make the same combination of belief, values and community come together. None. Just go. You will be so glad that you did.

I’ll bet in just a few years the parents from my church who had the little speed demons will be drinking coffee as their teen lounges at a table with church friends and the parent of a donut crumb covered little one will ask them “How did you do it?”, I hope they laugh just a little, smile, nod and pass on a few humble things they have learned about this amazing journey of raising children.

Parenting Tip Number 465

I've been just a little busy lately. You know, nothing much. Just that kind of RUNNING LIKE A MADWOMAN for the last few weeks. It's just the way it is when you work for a church. Fall is busy. There are a million details to attend to, and it's all urgent. I love my job, I'm happy to do the things that need to be done. But, I'd been so preoccupied that...

my house had become one of those GARBAGE HOUSES you see on tv!

I'm from a long line of fine working class folks, we just don't pay people to clean our houses. And we're trying to save for college for three boys. So to pay for a house cleaning makes sense in my adult brain, but I've not been able to DO it because my ancestor brain is completely opposed.

And my dear husband, and the organized one who lives here, is in Korea. I thought it might be nice if we had a house that looked like a house and not a transfer station when he got home. Thought it might be nice for him, but it's overwhelming for me! Completely overwhelming, to look at all the shoveling, um......I mean cleaning that there was to do.

So, I live with these good kids. Good young men. And they are willing to help. No, they don't always see the monument to the laundry gods that their clothes hamper sometimes becomes, and they don't see the clutter and dust and tortilla chip crumbs. They just don't. But if I draw a map and set up the GPS directions to the messes, well.....then they always are more than willing to do their part, or more than their part. And so I made a plan and they stepped up.

Here's the parenting tip part:

Got a big job to do? Make a plan. At 7pm I called to the far ends of the house "hey guys, we're gonna clean for a half hour starting at 7:30 and eat dinner at 8. Sound OK? "sure" "fine" "alright"

So at 7:35, I mean come on-- they're teenagers, we started cleaning. I laid out a list. Bathroom: mirror, sink, counter and toilet as well as floor. Living room; dusting, vacuuming, organizing and general crap removal. Front hall. Stairs. (why is it that the stairs become everyone's inbox in a two story house!?) And then, dinner.

It was a phenomenal success! Huge success. Our house is pretty clean! The mom who lives here feels pretty good. The young men like the order and the lack of layers of dust. And we had a nice dinner together after the cleaning, too.

Really friends; make your children clean with you. It's totally worth it. And what would have taken me two hours to do alone happened lickety split tonight in a half an hour. That really just rocks my world. Yes!

And just because my husband has been completely waylaid with standby travel plans in Korea doesn't mean it's not worth it to have cleaned the house. Nope. Last we heard he was going to fly direct from Seoul to Los Angeles on Korean Air. But from what I can gather he's delayed in Seoul (actually, the airport is in Incheon). Guess we'll just look for him when we see him coming. I can't wait.

And....the house is almost, kind of, if you don't look to closely......

CLEAN!

Parenting Tip No. 40 Ba-jillion

Don't let your children grow up.

When they start to speak, frown sternly and shake your head. First steps? Knock them over. This is serious business because if you let it continue, well then eventually they will grow-up. And this is simply unacceptable.

Driving? How can your baby operate an automobile that goes 55 miles per hour down I-5. Don't even talk to me about it going faster than that, ever.

Dating? Your child will come to adore someone other than you! Put a stop to it at age 2.

Jobs? Someone else will see how competent and accomplished your child is and will ask them to work even more and more and will make them a supervisor. It must be nipped at the bud.

Leaving? If you allow such nonsense like maturing and growing to continue, your child will be able to leave from your home for weeks at a time, perhaps even traveling in the wilderness, cooking over a fire, paddling and portaging a canoe. Sleeping in a thin shell of nylon with bears right next door.

It simply is too much for a loving parent. Too much for this loving parent. Do you think if I went to Northern Minnesota and just started calling out his name, I'd find my son? Probably not. And he might frown on my interruption of his "Coming of Age" trip.

But I've decided I don't want him to "Come of Age" any longer. I want him to slide back into a little punkin' with an elf smile and an ability to balance while walking across the back of the couch.

And the other children, like the one about to turn 18 and the one about to turn 13?Well...I need some sort of time travel chamber for them, too. Back you go, babies all.

OK, not really. I'm deeply happy that they are becoming such fine young men. I love our new emerging relationships, mother and teen. Mother and young adult. It is a profoundly good thing.

But if you want my real advice, find a little pocket deep in your heart and hold on to the little ones there, forever.

One week 'til my 'youth' returns, childhood behind him, life ahead. I MISS him! I can't wait.

Parenting Tip No. 3

Figure out exactly what you are going to have for dinner by 10 am. If you do not do this all hope is lost and your family will be licking empty tuna cans for dinner with glassy eyes and disheveled hair.

Or something like that.

And please, will someone remind me of this tomorrow by 9:55 am? My children ate quesadillas and grapes tonight. No meat, no veggies, no nice warm family dinner after all our scampering about. Nope, instead we had mom hollering some nonsense from the kitchen about just why it was always the mother's job to cook and why on earth wasn't the laundry done, anyhow?

Actually, dinner was really nice. We were all whirlwind-busy all day. The little dog went on a good long hike in the foothills of the cascades with me and her middle boy while he broke in his new boots for a his upcoming long canoe trip. The youngest is still undefeated at fencing camp, and looks so darn cute, I mean handsome, in his fencing jacket. The oldest worked both his jobs; math tutor at the college and lifeguard. Our father figure is flying all over the country again, keeping airplanes safe to fly on for you and me. So we just toasted up some tortillas and cheese, poured some salsa in a bowl, washed some grapes and ignored the disaster on the kitchen table to go sit on the patio and eat our simple dinner.

I am so lucky that I really, really like my children. Yes, I have learned that life is easier if you know in the morning what you're having for dinner. Even better is a weekly meal plan that you stick to. But sometimes life isn't like that. Sometimes you just have to figure something out.

After dinner they all worked like mad to make a clean kitchen and even a picked-up living room and family room. I feel sane, they're out car-part shopping and I think we'll have pork chops and corn on the cob for dinner tomorrow. See? I already feel much more calm. It just might be safe to take the tuna cans out to the recycling.