Monday, August 3, 2009

Parenting Tip No. 40 Ba-jillion

Don't let your children grow up.

When they start to speak, frown sternly and shake your head. First steps? Knock them over. This is serious business because if you let it continue, well then eventually they will grow-up. And this is simply unacceptable.

Driving? How can your baby operate an automobile that goes 55 miles per hour down I-5. Don't even talk to me about it going faster than that, ever.

Dating? Your child will come to adore someone other than you! Put a stop to it at age 2.

Jobs? Someone else will see how competent and accomplished your child is and will ask them to work even more and more and will make them a supervisor. It must be nipped at the bud.

Leaving? If you allow such nonsense like maturing and growing to continue, your child will be able to leave from your home for weeks at a time, perhaps even traveling in the wilderness, cooking over a fire, paddling and portaging a canoe. Sleeping in a thin shell of nylon with bears right next door.

It simply is too much for a loving parent. Too much for this loving parent. Do you think if I went to Northern Minnesota and just started calling out his name, I'd find my son? Probably not. And he might frown on my interruption of his "Coming of Age" trip.

But I've decided I don't want him to "Come of Age" any longer. I want him to slide back into a little punkin' with an elf smile and an ability to balance while walking across the back of the couch.

And the other children, like the one about to turn 18 and the one about to turn 13?Well...I need some sort of time travel chamber for them, too. Back you go, babies all.

OK, not really. I'm deeply happy that they are becoming such fine young men. I love our new emerging relationships, mother and teen. Mother and young adult. It is a profoundly good thing.

But if you want my real advice, find a little pocket deep in your heart and hold on to the little ones there, forever.

One week 'til my 'youth' returns, childhood behind him, life ahead. I MISS him! I can't wait.

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